The Sins of
by Mallorysgirl
Summary: The past can catch up with you!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Disclaimer: Me don't own! If I did I'd have Luke Roberts phone number

Everybody seems to have an opinion on my relationship with Ms Naylor. I've heard them in the corridor second-guessing our involvement with each other. Granted no one would dare say anything to my face. I have a reputation of being a bit of a hard bastard. Cold and unapproachable, that's what everyone thinks of Henrik Hanssen but that's not entirely true. I do have feelings and I can imagine the rumours that are going around this place.

'_I bet that Jac Naylor's only shagging him for a pay rise!'_

'_A young woman getting involved with an older man like that, just one of the many perks of being the Director of Surgery. Bet she's only doing it to make consultant!'_

It angers me that these people of above average intelligence could get involved in such idol gossip. I've seen the way they look at me. Mrs Beauchamp looks at me like I'm a dirty old man! Mr Spence looks at me like he's impressed! And Mr Byrne looks at me like I've broken his heart!

The knock on my door takes me away from my present thoughts. Mr Hope enters my office. "Yes," I ask, wishing that he hadn't disturbed me.

"We have a situation on Darwin," he began "A patient has gone crazy. He started smashing things up,"

"Have you informed security?" I asked reading the paperwork in front of me.

"Yes," he paused "It's just…"

"What?" I asked still engrossed in my literature.

"He grabbed hold of a scalpel and has headed up to the roof with Jac as his hostage,"

I quickly look up from my paperwork and Mr Hope must have read something in my eyes, because he was looking at me strangely. Panic filled me! I felt my stomach flip over. I rose quickly from my desk and ran down the corridor, dreading what would be awaiting me when I reached the roof.

I could hear Mr Hope struggling to breath as he attempted to keep up with my quickening assent up the mass flight of stairs. I wasn't waiting for him; if I had it would have been Christmas before I reached my destination.

I flung open the door and observed my surroundings. In front of me stood a very frightened Jac being held tightly by an extremely agitated patient. Having spent months in her company I had always seen her looking so cool and composed. But here and now standing on this roof with a scalpel to her throat she looked so fragile. I felt my own throat constrict at the idea that if this man lost control her life would be ended. He was edging his way back towards the metal barrier that prevented anyone unexpectedly coming into contact with the edge. I could see Mr Byrne and Mr Douglas edging tentatively forward.

"Stay back," he yelled putting the scalpel closer to her neck. I could see the tears rolling freely down her cheeks as she desperately tried to remain calm. I tried to keep my composure but when she locked eyes with me I could feel it crumbling. I was terrified that he would do her harm. That I would lose her so quickly after finding her.

I could feel Sahira holding her breath next to me. I knew that she thought this was the end for Jac, but damn it! That could not happen.

"Nobody's listening to me," The patient yelled.

Jac held herself together with such elegance and courage that I could feel my heart swelling with pride. "I'm listening to you Mr Graves," Jac reassured him.

"No your not," he yelled pulling her tighter towards him. We all moved slightly forward with his latest outburst, scared that if he was pushed too far over the edge no one would to get to Jac quick enough.

"Then tell me what you want," Jac answered calmly "And I'll try to help,"

"You people don't want to help," he spat "I need to get out of here. If I'm not well enough to look after my daughter then they will take her off me. You called social services I know it,"

"They can help you," Jac tried to reason.

"No they won't," he growled "Do you have any idea what my daughter will go through if she's taken away from me to live with strangers?"

"Yes," Jac answered sadly "I do. Because I've been there Mr Graves. My dad walked out on my mother and I when I was five years old. I grew up without having my dad around and it broke my heart. Every time I passed a man who was the right age to be my dad in the street I'd ask him if he was in the hope that he would pick me up in his arms and make everything alright,"

Jac swallowed hard. I could tell that talking about the past was hard for her. I could hear the pain in her voice and so desperately wanted to take it away. "Then when I was twelve my mother left," Jac carried on "And I was all alone in the world. Nobody wanted me and I've spent the rest of my life feeling like that,"

I closed my eyes pinching back the tears that were threatening to fall. "Don't let your daughter be alone Mr Graves," Jac begged him "If you harm me then the police will lock you up and you'll never see her. She deserves better than that,"

He began to move with more speed towards the barrier. I heard Jac cry out in fear as he dragged her along with him. "Leave her alone," I heard Mr Byrne cry as we moved forward.

"Stay back," he screamed. And we all did as we were told. We all watched in fear as he made Jac duck under the bar before he did the same.

"Mr Graves," A security guard next to me began "The police are on their way. Don't do anything stupid,"

He stepped up on the ledge taking Jac with him. "I'll do it," he cried in desperation "I'll jump and I'll take her with me,"

Something in Jac must have snapped, survival instinct kicking in maybe because she bit down hard on the arm holding the knife around her throat. He instinctively pulled his arm away and lost his footing.

Jac screamed as she tried to catch hold of him but it was too late he had fallen to his death. The sound of screaming people below us filled the air and the security guards made her way over to Jac to see if she were ok and survey the damage below.

We all stood rooted in shock at what had just happened. Jac slowly made her way over to us. She bypassed both Mr Douglas and Mr Byrne who both made a grab for her to offer some sort of comfort. Yet she just kept going until she found herself in my arms. Where she began to sob freely. I wrapped her up in them like she were a small child looking for someone to protect her from the big bad world that lay out in front of her. I stroked her air gently and whispered comforting words occasionally kissing her head tenderly.

Everyone looked at us like we were mad! Mr Douglas and Mr Hope looked both concerned but also disbelieving. Ms Shah looked like her nose had been put out of joint. She always seemed to be vying for my attention. Mr Byrne however looked like he wanted to punch me.

At this point I figured that we needed to come clean before the rumour mill went into overdrive. Still holding Jac tightly I cleared my throat before beginning. "I think it's time that you knew the truth,"

Everyone continued to stare at us "I know that this display of affection will be hospital gossip before we have reached the bottom of the stairs," I Looked down affectionately at before carrying on. "Jac Naylor is my daughter,"

And with my confession came nothing but silence!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"Why the hell didn't you tell me she was your daughter?" Ms Shah yelled at me as we entered my office. Mr Byrne was close behind her both seemingly wanting answers.

"I don't see what this has to do with you," I tell her "Both of you," I finish implying that Mr Byrne has no right to be in my office either.

"I care for Jac," Mr Byrne answered.

"Really?" I answered, "Tell me Mr Byrne was it not long along that you left my daughter to move to the middle of god knows where,"

"That's all in the past," he said defensively "I love her and that's why I came back,"

"You proclaim to love her yet you were among those who believed that we were carrying on behind your back,"

"That's not true,"

"Really," I say giving him a look that tells him I'm far from convinced.

"Ok maybe I thought something weird was going on but you two were being so secretive, meeting up without telling anyone,"

"I was spending time with my daughter,"

"I know that now," Mr Byrne answered angrily.

"You should have told me Henrik," Ms Shah sounded so hurt.

"I thought it was best if my relationship with Jac was kept low key," I told her, not that I felt I needed to justify my actions.

"You denied your daughter!" It was more of a statement than a question but either way Ms Shah's voice was full of disgust.

Sighing I pinched the bridge of my nose before finding the right words "I told Jac that it would be best if we kept our relationship quiet. She was initially upset but she came to understand that it was for the best,"

"Your ashamed of her?" Mr Byrne asked.

"What? NO!" I answered quickly "I am more proud of Jac than she'll ever know. I'm ashamed of myself not her,"

"What do you mean Henrik?" Ms Shah asked sitting down opposite me at the desk and placing a comforting hand on mine. I pulled away from her grasp abruptly and moved over to the window. Looking out onto the cityscape before me I tried to imagine what would have happened if I had chosen a different path.

"I was seventeen when I met Jac's mother Paula. I was at public school and longed to see more of the world. During the summer holidays I began to get involved in rally's that supported good causes, like world poverty and animal rights," I looked over at my companions' noticing a look of surprise on their faces.

"I wasn't always boring old Henrik," I tell them "Anyway I found Paula enchanting. She was like a breath of fresh air," I smiled fondly remembering the long warm summer nights we spent together. "I suppose you could call her my act of rebellion,"

Looking back out the window I carried on "We had Jac a year after we met. At first things seemed to be going so well but like everything they turned sour in the end. Paula and I were always rowing, I was working in a minimum wage job where I was going nowhere and I felt trapped. I was still a boy with so much potential. I began to resent Paula and Jac so much that I had to get out, so I left them,"

"You abandoned your child,"

I turned to the voice behind me. Ms Shah looked at me like I were a different person to the Henrik she knew.

"I'm not proud of my actions Ms Shah," I told her sincerely "I don't regret leaving. I just regret leaving Jac behind. Things were different back then, fathers rarely got custody of a child and I thought she would have been better off with Paula,"

"Paula threw her to the wolves," Mr Byrne reminded me "Just like you she abandoned her. But this time she had no one. She was completely alone,"

"I KNOW," I yelled. Normally I would have kept my composure but something inside me snapped. I very rarely showed others my emotions, I feel it's a sign of weakness but after seeing my only child being held at knifepoint I think I'm allowed a couple of hours off from cool and calm Henrik. "DON'T YOU THINK IF I COULD CHANGE THINGS I WOULD,"

Mr Byrne seemed taken aback by my sudden outburst. "If I had known then what I do now I'd have gotten Jac as far away from that cold hearted witch as I could. I'd have found away to make bringing up a child and medical school work together,"

"Now if you would excuse me I am going to fuel more hospital gossip by going in search of my daughter," I abruptly made my way past both of them and out the door.

* * *

I'd lied! I hadn't gone in search of Jac; I had gone in search of sanctuary!

I ended up in the basement of the hospital sitting on a cold hard floor resting the back of my head against the wall behind me. How The Director of Surgery at Holby city hospital had become reduced to this was beyond me. Actually I do know, people keep invading my office and this is the only place that's quiet enough for me to think.

I don't make a habit of baring my soul to members of my team, but after holding it in for so long it was nice to let it out. Sometimes it wasn't good to bottle things up and keep them to yourself. That was one of the worst traits Jac had gotten from me. It's funny how alike we are really, probably why we clash so much. She has my lack of social skills and the ability to keep her emotions guarded. It saddens me to realise how much I've missed out on with Jac.

Reaching into my pocket I pullout a small crumpled picture. It had long faded and had been thumbed so much that the image had become creased. The image was of me in my youth, no more than twenty with a young Jac of about three wrapped around my neck. The image had been taken in the park. I'm looking back up at Jac with such love and devotion that I can't possible fathom how it disappeared so quickly. She's looking down at me with the biggest smile, like she knows I'll never let her come to harm. But in reality she did and I'll have to live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Dad!" her voice is so soft and quiet that I barely heard it. It reminded me of when she was a little girl and she would come into mine and Paula's room after a nightmare. She always came and snuggled up beside me. 'Daddy protect me from the monster' she used to say as she curled up into the side of me. But I didn't protect her; I left her to fend for herself. I closed my eyes tightly at the memory of her screaming after me as I left that last morning, walking down the path with my suitcase Jac running quickly behind me.

"Daddy daddy," she cried "Don't you love me anymore?" I felt my heart brake, every last strong nerve crumbled and I fell to my knees wrapping her up in my arms and crying into her hair.

"Daddy loves you so much baby, don't ever forget that," She pulled herself away to look at me.

"Then why are you leaving me daddy?"

"It's not because of you baby," I couldn't believe that she was blaming herself. "Sometimes mommy's and daddy's can't live with each other. Mommy and I can't live with each other anymore. But we both love you very much ok,"

Jac nodded glumly. "Will I see you again?" The tears were forming in her eyes.

"Yes baby, soon I promise," I pulled her into my arms and held her as tightly as possible.

"If you go who will protect me from the monsters?"

I smile sadly "When you're in bed at night baby and your scared of the monsters look out at the sky and the brightest star will protect you,"

"Really?" she asked sceptically. Even as a small child Jac was smart beyond her years.

"Yes," I smiled through tears "Because I'll have put it there," The tears were flowing quickly down my face as I let out a sob.

"Daddy why are you crying?"

"Because I'm going to miss you baby,"

Jac looked at me thoughtfully and handed me her small rabbit, it was only small, tiny enough to pop in my pocket. I pulled the soft toy closer hugging it to me.

"Pancake will keep you safe daddy. You won't miss me if he's with you,"

"Thank you baby," I smile "Be good for mommy," I kissed her cheek gently and headed away from her. I didn't know then that I wouldn't find her again for another thirty years.

After that day I kept my emotions to myself, masking whatever I was feeling because I never wanted to feel pain like that ever again.

Jac's voice pulled me from the past and she's looking down at me with her no nonsense way. She sat down beside me, and puts her head back against the wall. "Well," she sighs, "As days go, I've had better," she quips in her usual sarcastic manner. She gets that from me!

She notices the crumpled photo in my hand and takes it from me. She takes in a sharp breath and I can tell this probe into the past is hard for her.

"I'm sorry," The words escape me before I know I'm saying them.

"For what?" she asks confused.

"Everything!" I tell her "For leaving you with your witch of a mother, for denying the fact that you were my daughter at work. I think the list goes on. I let you down,"

"Yes you did," she tells me. Wow! Tell it to me straight Jac!

"When I was a little girl you told me that you would always protect me from the monsters. But you didn't! You didn't protect me from her. You didn't protect me from what happened when she left,"

"What happened when she left?" I asked, if I'm honest I don't really want to know. I hate the thought of her hurt, but something inside me needed to ask.

Her face darkens for a second and I can tell that she doesn't want to think about it. "Things happen to people Dad. You just have to suck it up and deal with it,"

"It might help if you tell me,"

"Help whom?" she asks exasperated. She runs a hand through her long hair and looks directly at me. "It won't help me to talk about it and it sure as hell won't help you to hear it,"

The look I give her tells her that I'm not yet convinced so she carries on. "How would you feel if someone hurt me?"

"I'd be crushed," I told her "I thought you were going to get hurt earlier. I hated not being able to protect you,"

"I don't want to crush you dad," she tells me honestly "If I go back down that path, not only will I hurt me but I'd hurt you and I couldn't bare that,"

She looks so sad "I couldn't bare the way you'd look at me,"

"I wouldn't look at you any different," I told her sincerely.

"Yes you would," she says softly. I can see the sadness in her eyes. She looks old beyond her years. "I told Joseph. And although I know he loves me, he looks at me differently. Were tainted now, and I don't want that to happen to us," she smiles at me softly and I know not to press the subject further.

"We look happy here," she grins.

"We were," I tell her "You were such a daddy's girl," I smile at the memory.

"I wish I could remember more," she says glumly.

"You were very young," I tell her. I reach into my pocket and retrieve my most precious possession. Handing it to her she studies it intently. I can tell her interest has peaked. What is this strange thing in her hands and what's the meaning behind it.

"Don't you remember Pancake?" I ask her, willing her to do so.

"I'm sorry, no!" she tells me "Was it mine?"

The small rabbit sits in her hand. His older than he was and his fur faded over time. He has aged just like Jac and I. "The day I left you gave him to me,"

I can tell she is trying to picture it. Recall it from so part of her mind long forgotten. She looks frustrated, angry with herself that she cannot recall it.

"You told me that he would look after me," I carried on "You said that he would stop me missing you, he would stop me being sad,"

She looks at me in disbelief like I'm talking about someone else.

"I have carried him around in my pocket for thirty years and a day hasn't gone by when I haven't missed you,"

"You never looked for me," she said accusingly "All those years! I had to look for you,"

"I came looking for you when you were thirteen. Your granddad said you'd gone to India with your mother,"

"What about those eight years between?" She asked angrily "Oh sorry I forgot you were too busy getting your medical degree," she spat angrily.

"And my daughter followed in my footsteps," I grinned "Maybe it's genetic?"

"I doubt it!" She rolled her eyes at me. I picture her as a teenager doing that. I've missed out on so much.

"Jac I have apologised for the past, there is nothing I can do to change it,"

"Maybe not," she answers "But your hardly doing anything to make it up to me,"

"What do you want me to do?" I asked losing my patients. She doesn't have to try and make me feel worse than I do. I honestly don't think it's possible "Do you want me to spoil you rotten? Take you shopping like a good dad would do. Max out my credit card?"

"Do you think this is about money?" she growls at me. She's fuming! "Apart from having an extremely well paid job I have never needed your money before and I certainly don't need it now,"

"I'm struggling to figure out what you want?"

Her eyes are blazing at me. She stands up and looks down at me "All I want is my dad," she says sadly "But I don't think you can give me that can you Mr Hanssen?"

She walks away from me quickly, not looking back and I hope that I haven't lost her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

When I was four I hid from the screaming! Endless hours of hiding at the top of the stairs listening to them rant. By the time I was five I had learnt of vocabulary of words that were unsuitable for a child of my age.

Selfish bastard!

That's what she used to call him.

Ungrateful bitch!

That's what he used to call her.

I'd hide at the top of the stairs and they'd always find me curled up in a ball asleep after the row subsided. I would always hear them say the vilest things to each other. I once heard them say they wished I were never born. That has stayed in the pit of my stomach for the last thirty years. I decided then that if I kept quiet and never complained, that one-day they might love me.

LOVE!

It's just a four letter word, but it can mean so much to someone. We spend our life craving it when all we need is to really love ourselves.

When I was eight I hid from Mommy's boyfriend! When he got drunk he was mean. I would hear her screaming, but the screams were different than the ones I used to hear when she was with Daddy. Those screams were so full or hate and anger, while these screams were full of fear and pain.

I'd hide under the bed in the hope that he wouldn't find me, but he always did. He'd always make sure he hit me where the bruises would be hidden or pull my hair so no one would see the marks.

When I was twelve I hid from the bullies. All of us trying so hard to survive the unruly children's home we were placed in. I'd hide under the desk in the social workers office but they always found me. I never fitted in and spent most of my time fighting for some sort of peace. Maybe that's why I find it so hard to relate to people now, because for so long I was alone.

When I fourteen I hid in the wardrobe from my foster father but he found me. The memories I have of that time are so painful that I am forever trying to block them from my mind, but they resurface every time I finally think I'm happy. Joseph once taunted me about being in care, asking if one of the father's had ever gotten to close for comfort. I think he enjoyed watching me suffer even if he hadn't know it at the time.

When I was nineteen I hid in the bathtub from my boyfriend. I could hear him searching for me. His footsteps getting closer and quicker and I know what's coming. I've become the one person I hate the most, I've become my mother.

I've become Paula!

The thought terrifies me as he pulls back the shower curtain and I realise why she put up with the abuse again and again.

* * *

When I was younger I could excuse the hiding, but now it was just an embarrassment. But here I am aged Thirty-five and I Jacqueline Naylor am again hiding under a desk.

Pathetic I know, but desperate times and all.

Just like back then I want so desperately to block out the world go back to being that four-year-old girl curled up asleep in that peaceful ball.

I close my eyes and feel the hot tears forming in my eyes. I choke back a sob as I feel them start to fall. Maybe it's my destiny to be forever alone?

You've never needed anyone before Jac. Maybe you should do what your best at and run. Pulling myself up from under the desk I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door and down the nearest flight of stairs. I didn't know where I was heading, just away from where I wasn't wanted. My dad didn't want me that was for sure and if I'm honest I don't think Joe really wants me now he knows who I really am.

I never meant to intentionally tell him who the real Jac Naylor was but it became unavoidable. I remember him shaking me awake one night after nearly screaming the place down. The nightmares only seem to come when I'm happy. Like my subconscious says "_Nope I'm not going to let you be content, where's the fun in that,"_

Joe was so sweet holding me close and kissing my head that for the first time I felt safe and secure and the need to talk to someone was too overpowering. So I spilled my life story and there was no going back.

Sometimes he looks at me with such sad and disbelieving eyes that it breaks my heart. When I cry at night he holds me but I don't feel loved.

Finally I know where to head and I reach home quicker than I thought and hastily head up to the bedroom and pull out a small suitcase. Opening it I begin to fill it with the essentials. Jeans, t shirts, underwear, hair dryer… I pull the small stuffed animal out of my pocket. Looking down at it I think of my lost childhood at the hands of my selfish parents and throw it onto the bed. No point wasting time on the past when I have a future to plan.

Quickly I scribbled Joe a note, trying to explain myself but it will do no good. It won't make either of us feel better but I have to at least try. Leaving it on the bed I take one last look around before I leave the closest thing I've ever had to a home.


End file.
